Me

Tomorrow is not Promised!❤️

~ Today, what we love, what we feel, what is real, is what we have. Tomorrow it may all change~ unknown

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It’s never easy to lose someone you love. We all have lost someone who we’ve loved at one point in our lives. Whether it was your grandparents, one of your parents or in some cases, a sister, brother, significant other or friend. The impact of a loss is beyond anything you can ever imagine.

It comes with so many doubts, fears, questions that you can’t even begin to imagine.

I’ve never knew the heartache of losing someone who really meant so much to me until last summer when my world crumbled. I received the news while vacationing in Canada that my best friend, the man who I love the most in the whole world, my father had passed away. I was literally in shock; I couldn’t believe it or I refuse too. I just couldn’t imagine how I would keep going on with my life. Where I was going to found the strength to do so.

I had a Million of question going through my mind I just couldn’t believe it. I found myself mature, worrying about things that I had no business worrying about. I thought about how I saw him 6 months before he died & I didn’t get a chance to goodbye kiss him one last time.

I couldn’t believe that the world could be that cruel. I was in shock.

So many people want to be there for you but it is overwhelmed because all you needed was to see that person one last time. No matter how many hugs, kisses, phone calls you get, it still made no sense as of why it happens to you. People are going to tell you to be strong when all you want to be is to scream at the top of your lung. The pain hurt so much that if seems that you kept on getting stab nonstop.

They are so many feelings that you go through. The anger, the sadness’s , the happiness, the depression, hurts, etc. they are days when you’ll Wake up in bed & all you wants to do is stay in there , and drift into your sorrows.. No matter how many friends you have or families around; you still feel lonely, it’s just that feeling of emptiness. Even when they are calling you, loving you, supporting you. It doesn’t seem right because they don’t understand your pain. Be grateful for them because at times they’ll save you from your own demons W/O having any ideas that they are.

Some will understand & some won’t, its okay. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be there for you it just means that they don’t know how to be there. Grieving it’s not easy and it will never be easy , you mourning  a loss of someone you’ve  love. They are times that you’ll be envious of others when you see them with their parents, sister or brother, husband, boyfriend etc. When you around them you feel the pain a million times more. Personally I hate family gathering, I don’t know it just makes me sad. Father’s Day is not my thing anymore. So many things that will remind you of what you are missing. It SUCKS, it really sucks.

As crazy as my family is I’m grateful for every single one of them. Even I’ve pushed them away they kept on coming back. No matter what. I’ll say that I wasn’t open to their help and I’m still not. It’s okay at times to accept help , I’m more happy to talk to my father family because I felt like they knew him for who he was and grew with him so they understand my lost way more than my mom’s side. This is not true but it just the feeling of them knowing my dad made it ok. I’ve pushed a lot of people away even my siblings crazy huh but in my head they were to overbearing. I felt like if daddy wasn’t dead a lot of people wouldn’t be calling me all the time (which is true a lot of them will deny it but its ok). They won’t understand why as your own family you pushing them away and it’s not your job to explain. I feel like they should put the pieces together and put themselves in your shoes. I have people I still won’t answer their phone calls, they get so sad over the phone talking to me.

Whatever you may be feeling it’s okay to do so, it calls BE in touch with your feelings. Which it’s not easy; they are days you’ll feel like you ARE GOING CRAZY literally. That’s how overwhelming it can get..

Found things that you can hold on too, so you can feel sane at times. You’ll give up on the things that remind you of that person. What we fail to realize sometime is that they are  actually helping us to mourn . As crazy it might sound reading old emails from daddy helps me a lot or listening to the songs that were sung at his funerals. For me it helps me remember that daddy has left us but he will always be in my heart & I’ll have the memories to cherish. I really accepted & believed that my father died when his coffin was going down. Seating at the funeral I was STILL in denial as crazy as it sounds. My biggest fear is after a while I’ll forget him, the little things that I admire about him. That’s why it hurts a million times more. I came to the realization it’s just my fears of being happy, or accepting it. They are times when you are laughing and having a good time that you’ll feel so GUILTY! It’s those demons trying to take control over your life, remind yourself that the person wouldn’t want you to stop living. I know I know it’s easier said than done, trust me I’ve been there .

You’ll be affected way more than you know. Your life will be shift toward a totally different direction. You are going to have to learn how to live without that person again. It seems like you are a baby who is learning how to walk that’s how it feels like. I found myself taking my phone to text my dad, or in the middle of talking with my mom I’ll say can I speak to daddy. THANK GOD FOR MY MOMMY, she’ll say it’s okay Kyky don’t worry. My friends will remind me sometime. It’s all part of acceptance and grieving.

Let yourself feel the pain because one day it’s going to be ok. Things will never be the same, its okay,accept that it will never be the same . There’s a light at the end of the Tunnel. Don’t stop going after your smile. Keep the faith up, pray or do what you do… Be as strong as you can be!

I’m still grieving after a year and three months. I’ll be grieving for the Rest of my life. Every milestone that I accomplish I’ll remember him for not being there, but I’ll celebrate Him at the same time.

Remember that we all grieve different ways and accept thing differently. Don’t beat yourself up if you see someone else taking it different than you are. Me and my brother had so many awful things said about us because of the fact we weren’t crying. Just cause someone have a smile on  their face; it doesn’t mean they are not sad or hurting. You seriously don’t know the battles that people are fighting .I’m grieving the best WAY I know and can. All the negativity people will have to say it’s not your problem or mine.

Positivity is the key to having a good life! Only the strong survive the loss of someone they love. By strong I mean the one that let them feel the pain.  When we try to numb our feelings we go down the wrong path. We may NEVER recover from it, that’s why I said found something to keep you sane make sure it’s positive. I think my fear was that I’ll use substance (alcohol, smoking cigarette) to help me numb the pain. I did start to drink a little more than usual no lies, until one day I sat down and I reminded myself the value that my dad taught me and the amazing people who are counting on me.

Love bugs please don’t let the dark take over your life. It’s a long journey to be OK, but the journey is worth it. Don’t stay down to long keep fighting. I hated therapy because all they make you do is cry but it does help. It tremendously helps me really getting in touch with my feelings. It might work for me and not for you. So I urge you to found that something, that will help you because depression is not fun.

I know about the many sleepless nights, or the nights were you cry yourself to sleep. The times were you feel sick to your stomach or avoiding food because it makes you nauseous. Believe it I know, I’ve been there and found myself going back that road sometime. I’m telling you to found positive  things to do like  yoga, or going to the  gym, boxing, reading, meditating, and PRAYING! Ask for help when you feel like it’s too much of a load.

Learn to accept the things you cannot change. Grieve how you want and feel that it’s best for you. Let the people around you be there for you as much as you can. Ask for help when it’s too much for you. Accept the friends that don’t know how to be there & respect the one that does.

Cherish the memories that you have and Take the little bit of what they gave you ❤️ & Carry them along with you ❤️

BELIEVE that you going to be OK!! 🙏🏽 🌸Proverbs 3 -5:6 🌸

Love, Peace, & Stay Strong love bugs 🐞

Lady Sergine 👄

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