The Different stages of Grief

Have anybody told you that GRIEF is a constant struggle? It can be years later, you will always feel that deep sadness to the point where you can’t breathe; also, it’ll never get to the point where the late person is just a thought without getting all emotional. You can think you’re done grieving (referring to the many stages) then out of nowhere, it can feel like you’ve just begun to go through the stages.
Honestly, I know my daddy isn’t coming back but I can’t help to wonder what life would be if he was still here. Losing a parent, or anyone you love can change your life forever. I spent 5 years being depressed; I mean, it was a constant wave. Some days, I can be laughing and in the middle of that moment of joy, I can feel extremely sad at the same time; I lowkey can’t breathe but thank God I have taught myself to be quiet and try to act as normal as I can because I don’t want others to see that I’m struggling or that I am having panicked attacks. I hate the feeling of pity. People might not understand your struggle because they aren’t in your shoes.

People, sometimes, call me bipolar or say I have split personalities in those particular moments without even trying to understand that I just can’t breathe at the moment or that I’m overwhelmed with emotions.
On the other hand, there are days where I don’t think about my father, and just like that I feel guilty about it.  Am I already forgetting his voice and smile because how can I?
My fears were always that, one day, my daddy would be a distant memory. Therefore, I try to search for his voice in my head on a daily basis, because I don’t ever want to forget it.
 You know, it’s so hard to feel like you are moving without the person you love. My dad was my best friend, prayer warrior, advisor, and WORLD. I Gotta admit that life has been hard without him …
I am currently laying in my bed with this pressure on my lungs (mini panicked attacks) with tears rolling down. Man, nobody tells you how hard it can get but rather tell you don’t cry, feel, or think about him. “Let his transition to the next life be in peace,” they say. Do you think I don’t want him to Rest In Peace? Who are you to tell me how to feel?
 I have been moving on with my life while not really moving on,  if you understand what I mean. The void you feel is getting bigger every time something good happens. I was never the girl who was always crying, then I became HER. Any funeral will have me weeping like a BABY! 
Ironically enough, at my dad’s funeral I held myself together though. I don’t know how but I sure did. One of my brothers even told me that if he didn’t know me better,  he would have thought that I smoked before the funeral, lol. I mean I wish I did even though I don’t smoke.

They say  that at times it’s not easy to determine when someone is depressed or not. Then, let me tell you, you really don’t know. For example, I, Sergine hide it very well because I would be laughing (living my best life) but on the inside,  I’m dead. Sometimes I cancel on people at the last minute and it’s just because I can’t. Like I know if I go out, I’ll have the worst time or attitude. However, I got better at showing up to places/events. My anxiety can be going through the roof, but I have learned to keep a smile on & keep going.
We don’t control our emotions and we are allowed to feel every inch of those lost. I have been, somewhat, open with how my life has been for the last almost 5 years: I had very good moments but I had many lows. That’s why I think depression is something that we should talk more about because most of the time, you can’t really tell when one’s depressed.
This was not the blog post I planned on to write, but this is how I woke up feeling this morning: having trouble breathing and feeling super anxious. If I had my ways, I would have stayed home and called out  but life doesn’t stop moving because you are grieving.
I really wish there was a REAL book out there telling you how to move on when a beloved person passes away. I mean, there are books but mostly based on personal experiences; my point is everyone is different.
 Sad story,  a year prior to daddy passing away I asked him: “ How will I be able to LIVE without you if you pass away.” He looked at me with this smile full of love and replied:” Ti manmi, you’ll be okay.” … Oh man, I wish this was true because I’ve been fighting to be okay.

I sympathize with anyone who has lost someone and struggles to move on with his/her life even though the  feeling of emptiness is still there. Sorry about the people who tell you how to live without ever be in the same position as you. Praying helps sometimes, you know. Talking to people who have been through the same help as well. Don’t rush the process, but live your life as much as you can. I’m still struggling too and I read somewhere that we’ll never stop grieving. You just have to learn how to live without the person(s) you lost. It’s hard, I know, but you got this!
Take care of yourself.❤️
Lady Sergine 💋🌹

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