The girl with the never ending Grief

I’ve always thought that it was not healthy for me to feel stuck and still struggle with my dad’s death , even years later. I really have struggled to move on, and that significant void without him is stagnant.

No matter how many steps I’ve taken forward, I can get triggered by anything, and in that same moment, I travel right back to that darkest day of my life, : June 21st, 2014.

I’ve cried so many tears; There have been days where I don’t even have the strength to get out of bed because I keep being in complete shock that my dad is dead.

I would ask myself, “Danm girl, why can’t you be normal or done grieving already? Honestly, I’m constantly googling to see why and how I can just stop… stop crying… stop… and just move on. Nevertheless, it’s always the same answer: we NEVER stop grieving, or we have to learn to adjust.

It’s ironic that a lot of times, people think I have it together and keep asking, “how do you keep going?” Truly, there’s no road map to it. We’ve read books and watched people talk about their own experiences, but still, there’s no road map. One the one hand, I have days where the thought of my dad brings me so much joy, like pure happiness, to the point I’m laughing uncontrollably, while on the other hand, there are days where just a song can trigger me. For instance, the first time I listened to “Visiting hours” by Ed Sheeran, I was at work .. and oh, boy, tears started rolling; thankfully, the clients that I was serving, on that day, did not notice. Also, weddings are my weakest moments, especially when it is time for the father-daughter dance. I cry every SINGLE time! More like, I bawl in my corner like I can’t even explain it.

Losing a parent is the worst. This year 2022, has been my best year since my dad died. 8 years later, his death has started to feel more acceptable than anything. I’m not saying that I don’t cry thinking about him because, believe me, I am shedding some tears while writing this piece, but I am just saying that so far, I have counted more days of 2022 where thinking about my dad, or reminiscing on our memories together, brings me more joy than sadness. I believe that our late parents are OUR guardian angels; they send people to remind us of them or say something they would have because I’ve experienced it with some of my friends’ dads. There is that one dad, when I look at him at times, I weep in silence because his presence is like having my own dad around.

I genuinely talk with God and ask, “why didn’t you allow me to see him one last time or give me an indice so I could mentally be prepared? Unfortunately, I’ll never get an answer.

I love love my dad. I can never talk enough about my parents; they bring me joy. I’m close to my mom, but my DAD was my twin; he understood me better, in so many ways. We had our fights, but my dad and I just rocked hard with each other. Also, my dad used to spoil me with so much love.

I have set the bar high for everyone coming into my life. My dad worked hard to ensure I knew; we all, my siblings, mom, and I, knew how much we meant to him.

He was not the perfect guy, but I personally think my dad was an angel sent from above; and eight years ago, he had accomplished his mission, so it was time for him to leave. At the same time, I wish God had prepared me better for this.

I pray that all of you who’ve lost your dads will not be heavy/resentful, today, but celebrate and cherish THEIR lives and memories on earth. I pray you’ll show yourself some grace for not accomplishing the things you’ve promised THEM, even though any feeling is rightfully yours. No one can know your pain because they aren’t you; they can only sympathize with YOU, but nothing else.

In addition, I pray you will not be expecting your friends to text or call you because this is your journey, not theirs. They might sympathize, but they might not understand, so it’s okay if today they chose silence.

One day, we will find the road map to this but until then, keep taking it one step at a time. In heaven, they are proud of us. They are our angels watching over us. Remember this: there are no specific ways to grieve. Find what works for you and hold on to it.

To my daddy, ace, heartbeat: I miss you, I honestly do, but I hope 🤞🏾 that I have been making you and mommy proud. Know that I will never forget you. I will try to stop crying thinking of you, but that can’t be a promise. I hope you know I’m your angel/little girl, and I will never stop being that. We miss you! We love you! We honor you!

If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever.” — Winnie the Pooh